C1 Essay

            For this assignment, we were to pick a time in our lives where we had to make a decision. We had to explain that decision, but most importantly, how we communicated this choice to the people in our lives. For me, I had some ideas pertaining to college, but those probably would not have been original enough to base an entire essay around that was unique to me. I decided to go for an instance that seemed small and inconsequential, but explains a part of my personality. Overall, I was pleased with how this essay turned out. It actually helped me flesh out some of the feelings that I experience daily and understand myself a little more.

“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.” (Chopra)

So going to the grocery store to buy some dish soap sounds like it could probably be one of the simplest errands there could be. Not quite. Your mind can build it up to be a lot more difficult when you struggle with social anxiety.

It was just a couple weeks ago when I had run to the store to just pick up a few things. I remembered before I left that we were going to be needing some more dish soap soon so I turned down the aisle with all the household cleaners and napkins and such. The store had been fairly deserted, which I had been unreasonably pleased about, but as it typically goes, someone was standing right in front of what I wanted. As I headed down the length of the aisle, my brain was already telling me to just keep walking past the man and either circle around the store aimlessly until he left, or just leave. In the seconds as I was walking down the aisle, I was already justifying leaving the store entirely to myself. We didn’t really need the dish soap. There was still some left at home. I hadn’t even come in the grocery store specifically for the dish soap anyway, so did it really matter if I left without getting it? I had pretty much decided I would just leave, nixing the idea of circling around the store until he left because I had already wandered around enough trying to find something else. People would think I was weird if I kept just walking around the store, right? See these are the constant thoughts I have when I’m out in public. I’m thinking of every stupid thing I could potentially do. What I look like. What other people are thinking I look like. What impression I’m giving off. And this usually stops me from doing things, even little things like picking up some dish soap off a shelf. I was thinking all these ridiculous thoughts, which I didn’t find quite so ridiculous at the time, all the while digging my nails into the palms of my hands. I had made myself angry at this blameless person just for being there and forcing me to keep walking, or so my social anxiety dictated. I could feel my heart beat just the slightest bit faster and my breathing quicken just a bit as I neared this person. This wasn’t a situation where I was genuinely panicking, but I was still letting my anxiety control my actions and thoughts. As I found myself passing the man who was perusing the Dawn dish soap, I told my brain to just shut up for a moment. I forced myself to just stop, say excuse me to the man who was clueless to my thoughts, and grab the soap. To say I was proud of myself is a bit of an understatement. I almost felt a sort of adrenaline just from picking up some soap.

After I started putting away the groceries back at my house, I thought I’d share my little story with my mother. I wasn’t quite sure if she’d think it was a good thing or just think that I shouldn’t even be thinking of it as a big deal because it shouldn’t be to most people. As I told her what had happened I saw her eyes get a bit big and she smiled as I finished. I suppose she’s been with me enough in stores to know that I normally would not do that. She’s experienced that frustration with me enough that I figure she would be happy that I would do that. She exclaimed “That’s awesome! Give me a high five.” I mean I know I’m 19 years old but that made me irrationally happy and I genuinely felt for a moment like I was 4 years old, receiving praise as I clapped my mom’s hand. She knows me well enough to know that it was a bit of a big deal for me. And I’ll take the praise, even if I feel like a kid doing it, because she is basically the only person I talk to about this anxiety that I have. I haven’t really spoken to my friends about it. They know that I’m pretty introverted, but they don’t quite know that I have this anxiety that has stopped me from doing important things before. Most of my friends are quite the opposite of me, extroverted and confident. So the thought of expressing these feelings of anxiety to them is a bit daunting, and not to mention that the anxiety itself is telling me to not tell them about my anxiety. It’s a vicious circle. I’m afraid that they completely wouldn’t understand the anxious thought processes I have on a daily basis. I would feel pretty embarrassed telling them about all the things that I haven’t done because I’ve let this anxiety stop me. They know that I most certainly won’t be the one to call the restaurant for takeout, but they don’t know that I’ve had complete breakdowns at the thought of going to a meeting.  The times that I have tried to share anything more about my anxiety, I usually try to play it off as some type of humorous situation.

After my mom had made me feel like maybe this was a bigger accomplishment than I had thought, I decided to text my best friend, Annie, and let her know about my little event in the grocery store. She’s the only friend I frequently discuss this type of thing with. I figure she’s a psychology major, so why not tell her about my social anxiety issues. She needs the practice, I need the advice. It’s a win-win situation. She gave me a similar reaction to that of my mom and I once again felt another surge of happiness for what I had done, even if I fully knew that it seemed a bit of a silly thing to be proud of. If my mom and Annie want to praise me for doing something small like this, then I’m fine with that.

This seemingly insignificant moment in a Kroger was a small victory for me. It’s like what people always say. That you should do things that scare you. Because for me, doing things like this are what push me forward to feeling more comfortable in social settings and help me be less of a worrier. I look at this situation and say to myself, “See, nothing bad happened like you thought it would. This random person probably doesn’t even remember you at this point.”

Works Cited

Chopra, Deepak. The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life.  

            New York: Harmony, 2005. Print.